What to Do When a Senior Parent Refuses Assisted Living and Caregiving Services

How to Convince a Parent to Go to Assisted Living

1. Talk with siblings and family first. Ideally, you will discuss options ahead of time. This can help minimize tension and disagreements. In our busy world, however, that might not happen. At least confer with family members once you see a need. For example, if you live nearby, maybe you can help your senior dad once a week and hire an aide for two days. Your sibling who lives out of town and has a high-paying job can pay for the aide. Then you both can gradually convince your parent to go to assisted living.
2. Don’t push. Talk with them several times over the course of weeks, months, or sometimes even years so they’re educated about options in advance. Avoid forcing your parents or making them feel like they have no say in the matter.
3. Empathize and listen. Many seniors protest assisted living out of fear that their loved ones are dumping them somewhere. Show them that you care. Listen with compassion (rather than push an agenda) and build trust. Also reassure them about the reality of care today, because seniors didn’t grow up with these modern-day care options.
4. Reframe the benefits. Many seniors see assisted living as “giving up,” but good facilities offer wonderful amenities, vibrant social communities, independence, peace of mind, and more time to enjoy life. Remind your loved one of these benefits and how they could improve their quality of life.
5. Seize opportune moments. Is housework overwhelming? Is the lawn overgrown? When they talk about these things, you might bring up how having assistance is helpful. If one parent has died, perhaps your parent is lonely. The Institute on Aging shares the many benefits of socialization and companionship; they advocate for combating older adults’ loneliness for the sake of senior health.1 These pain points can be conversation starters for how home care can be positive for all parties involved and how assisted living can help parents live more fully.
6. Give them control. No parent wants to be told what to do. Instead, ask how they would suggest solving the problem. Ask about their priorities and give them choices. Maybe suggest choice A and B. You can make a chart or show a video including what your parents care about most so they can visually see the opportunities.
7. Bring in help. Sometimes a third party can neutralize a charged situation. Consider having a trusted physician, spiritual guide, or counselor talk with your loved one about having an improved quality of life by seeking care.
8. Share your feelings. Parents love their kids and don’t want to be a burden. Share how it might be affecting you in case they don’t realize it. Give them a way to empathize without blaming them. For example, you could say, “It’s getting harder for me to balance coming over here with taking care of the kids,” or “We want more quality time with you.”
9. Find their friends who live in a care community. Are any of your parents’ friends happily residing in an assisted living community? Finding a place with a built-in network can be a game-changer for your loved one, especially if they like the facility, too.
10. Take some tours. Visit facilities in person so your loved one can see firsthand how residents are thriving. Your parent might envision a hospital-like atmosphere and be pleasantly surprised. Reserve lunch in the dining room or arrange for them to participate in fun classes or activities at the local assisted living community.
11. Consult an elder care lawyer. If you have to make financial or health decisions in the best interest of your loved one, be sure you know your legal options for legal guardianship or power of attorney.
12. Prioritize trust and love. Preserving your relationship with your parents is very important. While it’s admittedly hard to balance safeguarding that relationship with protecting them and doing what’s best for their health and welfare, try not to alienate your loved ones.
13. Try an interim solution. Find respite care if you’re exhausted from caregiving. You can also consider regular in-home help. Maybe an aide, homemaker, or companion can assist your loved one. If your parent doesn’t like others helping in the home, they may realize they prefer the independence of a senior community and spending time with their peers.

As you continue discussions about assisted living and caregiving services with your parent, keep in mind a few major reasons why they’re refusing care. We’ll cover them in more detail below.

Aging Can Be Quite Scary

Based on the book “The Loss of Self: A Family Resource for the Care of Alzheimer's Disease and Related Disorders” by Donna Cohen and Carl Eisdorfer, it’s best to try to understand your loved one’s fears about getting old instead of demanding that they move into an assisted living facility or make use of caregiver services.

Seniors who get angry or have huge changes in behaviors are usually aware of their situations. However, they don't understand how and why they are suffering from things like cognitive impairment. Because of this, they tend to believe that their children are incapable of understanding their troubles emotionally and physically.

Remind yourself that for seniors, especially those with Alzheimer’s disease, refusing care is common. Provide gentle reassurance to lessen their fears about functional loss and help them maintain their dignity. Remain calm to prevent them from feeling frustrated, helpless, or angry. It will help to show them that despite any loss in functioning, they are still whole and important. In this stage, empathy and validation are key.

Where Their Obstinance Comes From

At this age, seniors may be too proud or truly think they will be OK on their own. After all, they’ve had over half a century taking care of themselves. Coping with a difficult parent isn’t easy. Yet, their stubborn behavior can be comparable to adolescents’ struggles with their parents.

Their coping mechanisms, such as yelling, walking out, or throwing tantrums can be stressful for both parties. But don’t give up on your loved one’s refusal to go to assisted living or embrace caregiving services.

Instead of forcing your father to stop driving, for example, why not drive him places and let him enjoy the ride? That way, he may discover being driven isn’t entirely a bad thing.

Talk About Future Possibilities Before a Health Crisis Hits

Ideally, a family should be prepared for the possibility of health problems before they hit. Establish preparedness through conversations about how the senior family member sees themselves in the future.

Ask your parents questions like:

• Do you want to live at home and age in place as long as possible?
• Are you OK with employing aides and companions to help you with your tasks when you get older?
• Where do you want to live when you reach your senior years?

Experts in senior care stress being patient and listening carefully to their answers. Is your mom worried that a future helper in the house won’t meet her high standards? Is your dad refusing assisted living because he’s worried about his privacy, or is mostly concerned with the high price tag? By listening carefully, you can address their specific concerns and see if you can overcome them. Discuss how these options can really work for them.

Remind Them They Have Options

As we’ve mentioned, parents may refuse assisted living and caregiving services because they feel they’ll be limited in their freedom, independence, and choices. Remember that giving them options reminds them that their opinions still matter and that they are still independent beings.

When setting appointments and schedules, why not let them choose their preferred date and time? If they still want to go for a walk and do their hobbies, explain to them that their caregivers will be their companions and helpers, not a medium of restriction.

Expert Advice Might Convince Them

Some seniors will not believe anything unless the explanation comes from an authority. That’s why a social worker, physician, or member of the clergy can better convince your parent about the benefit of accepting care from others.

Consulting an aging life care manager can also provide professional insights into your parent’s specific needs and smart strategies for overcoming resistance.

Having this third-party endorsement can make a big difference. An expert may be able to explain things in a way your family member can accept. An expert can also help them understand the advantages of enlisting personalized care in their very own homes, or the benefits of living in a community setting with on-site services like those that can be found at an assisted living location.

Set Priorities, Address the Problems

To reduce problems, you and your parent can both write down a list of priorities. For example, does your parent need to get to weekly or monthly appointments with a few doctors, and do they need rides? That’s their priority.

If your parent has dementia and can no longer attend to their regular chores, do you urgently need a housekeeper and a homemaker so you don’t have to constantly clean at your parent’s home in addition to your own? That’s your priority. Will it be beneficial for both of you if the senior goes into an assisted living facility?

Consider Alternative Options

Of course, you love your parents. It’s best if you aren’t operating in crisis mode and can address these issues at a slower pace. If you’re not able to hire someone for in-home care and to drive your mom to see a doctor, for example, are there other options?

Maybe you can schedule a telemedicine visit instead of taking time off work to drive her yet again. Or even better, can the doctor make house calls? If you need to speak to a therapist about your dad’s cognitive impairment, can you ask the therapist to do the session at a nearby coffee shop at 5:30 p.m. after you complete work?

Lower the Goal Expectations

While it may not be a permanent solution to the issue, convincing your loved one to invest in safety and injury prevention might be a first step. They can also agree to set up a medical alert system that can offer relief and security for both parents and their adult kids. You can view our list of the best medical alert systems to learn more.

While not a full transition to a major new plan, these steps could soften their perspective on making a more substantial decision later on.

Check our video below on how to encourage a loved one to use a medical alert system. It offers some perspective on how to approach a difficult topic with your loved one and learn how to deal with any objections they may have along the way.

Everyone Has Limitations

At the end of the day, everyone wants to make their own choices. If a senior parent refuses assisted living and caregiving services and says that it is their final decision, it's important to still give them love and support.

Remember that it is nobody’s fault if they refuse care and get sick or pass away. Although difficult, it’s important not to feel liable or guilty for what happens. Do your best to make a case in a loving, kind, and convincing way. And since time is precious, just make every moment count for both of you.